tabula rasa
by moonbitch
Summary: there are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds / the five stages of loss and grief. a sakura oneshot. [pre-shippuden] - rated M for self-harm


_trigger warning: _suicidal thoughts, self harm, don't read if you're uncomfortable with dark themes.

* * *

Denial.

When the crushing reality of the fact that her teammates are gone strucks her with full clarity, Sakura grits her teeth and ignores it. She continues going on pointless long walks or brushing her already tangle free hair until her scalp is sore. She reads encyclopedias and books she's read countless times before and stares blankly through the window at night, unable to sleep.

She tells herself that tomorrow is a new day and that if she crosses the red bridge early in the morning, like she's done many times before, Sasuke-kun will _surely_ be there, casually leaning against one of the pillars. She tells herself that the next time she passes by Ichiraku's ramen, she will hear the familliar cheerful voice call her name, asking her to help him finish this _extra large _portion of miso soup. (_a large serving of miso ramen with roasted pork, that was his favorite, he ordered it so many times, how could i forget? _)

Those thoughts keet her sleep dreamless and more importantly, free of nigthmares. They become something like an evening prayer, a lullaby to help her sleep, to get through the night.

The mornings are the hardest because that's when Sakura sees the world for what it really is. That's when she's reminded that no matter how many times she crosses the red bridge, Sasuke will _not _be there and that Naruto's seat at Ichiraku's wont be _his _seat for years to come. Even when the sun rays break through her window to tickle her eyelids open and remind her that there's another beautiful day worth living, Sakura would much rather stay in bed, clinging onto her delusional thoughts instead of going out and being reminded of what she doesn't have anymore.  
_We used to love sunny days like these_, would be one of her first thoughts after waking up. Bright mornings were Team 7's favorite to perform missions on, even Sasuke's, although he never said it out loud.  
It hurt to think of what was, what could have been and what isn't anymore .

So that's why Sakura avoids Team 7's meeting place, the red bridge, and that's why she no longer eats at Ichiraku's.

She's afraid she wont see whom she already knows isn't there.

Because that's when the nightmare truly begins.

And that's why she'll continue passing by the apartment complex Sasuke used to live in, with the impression that he's inside and that a simple knock on the door will be enough to reunite her with her first love.

_he's not in there he's not in there he's not in there, you know it you stupid delusional girl, you know he's not in there and you know he'll probably never return._

Just the thought of Sasuke-kun being all alone in that filthy _snake's _den, with no one to help him and no one to stop him from succumbing even further into the darkness is enough to make Sakura's throat tighten and her head spin. Her legs shake, she feels weak and dizzy and there's an indescribable pain that errupts behind her ribcage every time she thinks about the Sasuke-kun she got the know during their time as teammates, a broken but beautiful soul whose one rare smile was enough to turn her legs to jelly and his big heart that he kept hidden beneath that cold exterior of his. She feels tears burning her eyes every time she thinks of _that _Sasuke-kun becoming anything remotely similar to the _monster _who gave him the cursed seal during the Chunnin exams.

Naruto's absence is a little easier for Sakura to bear. She knows he's away for a good cause, she knows that he will be back sooner or later but, she never thought she would miss him this much. Sakura doesn't know when he had gotten under her skin or when he had started affecting her this way. What she does know is that she can't help but glance around the village in hopes of seeing the familliar orange jacked, golden hair and the brightest smile she's ever seen. Sometimes, the only reason she approaches people is in hopes that they tell her that Naruto is back in the village because that would make Sasuke-kun's absence infinitely more easy to bear.

But,at the moment, both of them are gone, Team 7 is broken and Sakura is the one left to endure the cuts the broken shards of it left on her heart.

For now, she will pretend the world doesn't exist and Sasuke and Naruto aren't gone. That's the only thing that keeps her sane.

* * *

Anger.

Since her teammates' departion, there haven't been many reasons for Sakura to get out of the bed in the morning. She would wake up more tired than she was when she fell asleep and she often wants nothing more than to curl into a ball and cry herself back into the state of unconcious, which is what sleep has become for her.  
Even her parents' concerned pleas or the smell of her favorite breakfast often aren't enough to pry her out from beneath her covers.

However,what _is _enough of a stimulance for her to get dressed and start her day is Tsunade. If it wasn't for Sakura's apprenticeship under the fierce woman, not only would it take her ages to find the willpower to get out of bed, but she would also fall back on her life as a shinobi and she wouldn't ever forgive herself if she did that. _Among other things she can't forgive herself._

Not only did it keep her in shape at the time where she couldn't even _think _straight, but it also helped her let out all the negative emotions she had bottled up for so long.

Sakura often ends up in the dirt, with bruises and cuts all over her body, hurting _everywhere. _The weird part is— she likes it. She likes feeling pain, she likes her legs and arms being so sore to the point where she can't move and she likes throwing a punch only to be blocked and hit back by a much stronger one because she feels like this is what she is supposed to be feeling.  
She doesn't like the feeling of numbness that takes her over every time she realizes that Naruto and Sasuke-kun aren't there and won't be. She doesn't _deserve _to feel nothing because she _could've _stopped Sasuke-kun from going down that road. She_ could've _tried to fight him and she could've _at least _screamed for help but she didn't. She calls herself a ninja, but at the times when it truly matters, all she can do is cry. She is _truly _pathetic and most of the times, training with Tsunade doesn't feel like training_,_ but compensation for all the hits and bruises she _should've _gotten back on all those missions, during the Chunnin exam when she _should've _pushed Sasuke-kun out of the way or tried to fight Orochimaru off. She could've stopped _both _Naruto and Sasuke from leaving and most of the times, she is _positive _that it is absolutely her fault that they're gone.

_you're stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid_

Other times, she wants to spit in Kakashi-sensei's face. Their sensei, _her _sensei with a heart of gold, the feared Copy Ninja and a powerful jonin— him Sakura wants to scream at. It is _his _fault that he didn't foresee what was going to happen to Sasuke-kun, it is _his _fault that he didn't keep his obviously damaged student under check _constantly. _Sakura _loves _Kakashi, she really does, but to be incompetent at such a crucial time, to turn _a blind eye_ to the danger that was casting a shadow on his students' well-beings was unforgivable. She wonders how he can sleep contently at night. But then she sees the look of shame and sorrow in his eyes whenever they lock gazes and then it's clear to Sakura— he doesn't.

One day, Tsunade forbids Sakura from leaving the training grounds before she manages to destroy the boulder she assigned for her with nothing but one punch. Sakura has been tirelessly summoning chakra to her fists the entire day, attacking the boulder with every ounce of strength until she was left panting and on her knees before the giant rock, her balled fists bloody and shaking from frustration and pain.  
She's been training for _months _to get to this level, she's been_ pleading _Tsunade to teach her how to acquire monstrous strength herself and she still couldn't do it.  
Then it came to her,in a flash; God is punishing her for every little thing she ever did wrong in her life.  
It is _His _fault that Sasuke is lost in the darkness, it is_ His _fault that Naruto had left her alone to endure the pain, it is _His _fault that she is _so damned weak !  
_What kind of a monstrous crime could she have done in her 14 years of life to deserve to feel this pain every day? Why did He take her teammates away, her reason to get stronger? And why won't He let her just _destroy this fucking boulder _?! What did He do to her resolve, why did He take it away? And what _the fuck _was she even atoning for? Why did _God _hate her _so fucking much?!  
_With a furious snarl, Sakura propelled herself to her feet, swinging her throbbing fist at the persistent boulder, pumping every last ounce of chakra she had into that one punch.  
The hard rock cracked under the powerful hit and broke into million pieces just a second after, like an exploding dynamite.

The rain started pouring down from already dark sky.  
Sakura stared at the broken bits of the boulder, letting the raindrops wash away the blood from her fists and the last bit of anger she had coated herself with.  
She was too exhausted and too sore to be happy about this small victory. The fury she felt just moments before had been smudged into the numbness she despised even more than feeling incompetent.

She just collapsed onto the grass ,face first, with one thought _''I want to die.''_

* * *

Bargaining.

''I'm not renowned for my strength only, Sakura. And neither will you, as my student'', Tsunade says to Sakura one day, ''It's time to begin your medical training.''

From that day on, Sakura gets up at 7 AM and rushes to the top floor of the hospital, medical books in arms. The elevators are always full, so she takes the stairs. By the time she reaches the top floor, she's already panting and tired, which earns her a disapproving look from Tsunade.

She spends mornings studying with Tsunade and practicing healing techniques, afternoons training and evenings revising for the next morning. She's so busy that she almost doesn't have the time to glance at Sasuke's window every time she passes by the apartment complex he lived in. Almost.

Ever since she started training under Tsunade, Ino feels like Sakura is getting better. She's so occupied that she doesn't have time to mind herself with dark thoughts, frowning and crying. One day she looked particularly exhausted, so Ino rented a movie, bought Sakura's favorite dumplings and _coincidentally _found herself at Sakura's front door, suggesting a movie night. Before the beat Sakura could say _'no'_, Sakura's parents gratefuly invited her in and went out so the two friends had the apartment all to themselves.

Sakura's eyes looked almost blank as she pushed a dumpling around the plate with a fork, not looking particularly hungry. Ino clicked her tongue and dragged herself over to Sakura's side of the sofa. She nudged her playfully with her head, like a house cat,''You gonna finish that?''

Sakura shook her head almost eagerly and handed the dumpling over to Ino, who ate it in one bite. Her chewing getting a little slower, Ino carefully initiated a conversation.''Hey,Forehead,you sure you're alri—''

''Do you think there was anything more I could have done for him?''

Ino stared at Sakura's distressed expression, wide blue eyes locking with green ones. She interrupted her so quickly,so eagerly, one would think she waited the whole day to ask that question.

Sakura bit her lip.''I mean, was there anything I could've done that would've helped _both _of them? There must have been...''

Ino shook her head slowly, reaching out for Sakura's shoulder.''Sakura,_stop that_,there is nothing—''

She pulled back, as if she was afraid Ino's touch will burn her. She looked at Ino with eyes of a drowning person, on the verge of tears but holding them back the entire time. ''I...I could've been a little less annoying? M-Maybe that would've made him stay,i-if he liked me a little more...maybe that would've been enough..'' , she stuttered, taking quick breaths,'' A-And if I told Kakashi-sensei about Orochimaru...If I made him realize how serious the situation is...t-then that would...''

Ino looked at her worriedly. _She'll hyperventilate, at this point._  
She had never seen her like this,in this kind of state...

Sakura inhaled sharply, grasping alarmed Ino's shoulders.''Wasn't there _anything _I could have done for them?! Don't lie to me,Ino,tell me the _truth_...!''

This time she was truly crying. Her entire body shook from distress and she looked like she was about to stop breathing any minute.

Ino pulled her into a hug. A warm hug,a sister hug,a comforting hug, a ''I will never leave you'' hug. A hug only Ino could give.  
Sakura shook against her, breaking into violent sobs as Ino's arms tightened around her form protectively.  
Ino didn't get to do this often. Their friendship was never soft, they didn't compliment each other out of the blue, they weren't affectionate towards each other for no reason, they weren't the type to hold hands and kiss each other's cheeks just for the sake of being cute. They teased and made fun of each other, they were rivals but also friends, sisters. If it meant staying up all night with a shaking Sakura,then it meant staying up all night with a shaking Sakura.

They stayed in that position for a good hour and a half into the night; Sakura sobbing and talking incoherently into Ino's chest and the blond rubbing her back and whispering comforting words into her ear.

''I...I could've stopped him,I-I could've screamed...O-Or fought him off..'', Sakura mumbled.

''Shh, calm down, you couldn't have stopped him'',Ino told her softly,''No one could, at that point...''

Sakura shook once again, a sob escaping her tightened lips.''A-And Naruto got hurt because of me...B-Because of his promise to ...He had to leave the village to...to get stronger and I'm just s-sitting here...crying...''

''No.'' Ino told her firmly. She distanced herself a little so she could look at Sakura in the eyes,placing a palm against her wet cheek tenderly. ''Pursuing Sasuke was Naruto's _own _choice. It wasn't your fault. He could've said no because he _knew _what kind of danger he was putting himself into. It had nothing to do with you—shh,Sakura,it's okay,just _look at me_,it's okay'', she tried to calm her before another wave of sobs came her way, ''And Naruto leaving you like this...it's a dick move,honestly.'' Sakura choked out again. Ino hoped it was from laughter. ''He...He should've stayed with you. You're teammates,after all. You could've gotten stronger together. You need him right now and he needs _you_. So don't blame yourself for this,Sakura.'' Ino gazed meaningfuly at Sakura once again,''You're not at fault at all. Stop beating yourself over it.''

They spent a couple of minutes in silence after that. Sakura's sobs became less frequent and less violent. She seemed to be contemplating Ino's words. Her breathing fell back to it's normal speed. She leaned against Ino's chest.

''Naruto will be back soon_''_ Ino continued softly, ''And...he will bring Sasuke back. No. The two of _you _will bring Sasuke back. You will all be laughing together soon, I promise you, Forehead. ''

They were laying like that for some time before Sakura spoke softly,''Can you...can you stay over,Ino?''

Ino looked at her friend. The difference between the Sakura she knew as a child and Sakura as she is now was big. She was no longer the insecure little girl crying about her forehead, hiding behind Ino when she was shy, desperately trying to find her own identity. Sakura of the present _was_ emotional, but those emotions weren't her weakness anymore. Sakura of the present grew as a person, as a shinobi. But we all have our ups and downs. We all need to be pulled up from time to time. That doesn't make us weak. It makes us human.

''Sure.''

They fell asleep in Sakura's small bed fully clothed, hand in hand, fingers intertwined; just like when they were only little girls,having a sleepover.  
Sakura had no need to say her evening prayers. There were no nightmares that night.

Ino chased them all away.

* * *

Depression.

Aproximately eight months since she had last seen her teammates, Sakura starts losing her touch with reality.

She can walk aimlessly down the road full of familiar faces and people she knows and she's capable of not acknowledging a single one of them. One time, she walked into the Yamanaka flowershop and was surprised to find that it was not the hospital. She dismissed Ino's confused look with a forced laugh and went straight back home.  
Tsunade was mad that she didn't drop by her office that morning; Sakura apologized and told her she was feeling ill.

Being able to take a nap became a privilege and a _good _night's sleep—a luxury.

She's unable to keep most foods down for an entire hour, not even her favorites. If she tried eating a bowl of anmitsu, a dessert she once used to be capable of wolfing down in a matter of minutes, she would probably be on all fours in front of the toilet bowl, throwing up everything she's had for the past three days.  
Her hip bones started sticking out, her collarbone became more pronounced.

She makes sure not to throw up with her parents around; she already has enough fights and arguments with her mother as it is, when it comes to eating her share of food.  
She's also become more edgy and more irritable. She lashes out at the smallest provocation, doesn't know when to hold her tongue, one time she even lipped Tsunade off when her mentor remarked harshly at the poor state she was in after one training.

Sometimes she wonders why does the Sannin even _try _with her,when she's clearly a lost cause. These past couple of months have been terrible for Sakura, not to mention her training with Tsunade. She's having trouble focusing on the simplest of tasks, the chakra control that she used to _excel _at during their Team 7 days, the_ one thing _that was _hers_,_that_ she couldn't get right most of the time. There was nothing in Sakura outside the context of Team 7 that had value. She had no potential, no skill, no bloodline limit. Hell, not even _within _Team 7 was she anything compared to her teammates. A ninja of Tsunade's calibre can find herself any apprentice she wants; why the Hokage even bothers herself with her is beyond Sakura.

But even with her latest troubles with focus, Sakura finds it easy to memorize anatomy lessons.

Actually, it's the one thing that can snap her out of her train of thoughts, especially at night, when the pain is the hardest to bear. Tsunade always tells her to use her time wisely, to use every moment possible to improve her skill. Listing off body parts was Sakura's way of chasing off the despair, occupying herself with revising for tomorrow's lesson instead of dwelling on her pain.

When she thinks about Team 7, _their_ missions, _their_ teamwork, the time they've spent together, when they escorted Tazuna to Kirigakure, but also all those simple D-ranked missions they had to take because they were genin(even though _sh_e was the only real genin of the group),when they tried to take Kakashi-sensei's mask off, all those late night trips to Ichiraku's and how they had to drag Sasuke with them, all the little things that were actually the biggest, Kakashi-sensei's perverted books, his lessons on friendship, Naruto's laugh, Sasuke-kun's smile, _oh_, how she used to love when Sasuke-kun smiled...

_Stop. They're not there, Team 7 is not there—_

And then it hits her.

_Brachiocephalic_ _artery._

_Subclavian artery._

_Carotid artery._

_Jugular vein. _

Before she knows it, her hand is feeling the skin over her neck, on impulse. It stops over the carotid artery, feeling the steady beating of pulse against the tip of her finger.

Not filtered free of gore to coddle Sakura's adolescent mind, Tsunade's words echo through her brain.''_This right here,Sakura''_, Tsunade had tapped a spot on her neck,_''is the carotid artery. Every pathetic excuse of a ninja knows where it is, although most of them don't know what it's called. All they know is that __that's __the place they should slash their kunai over, because once you cut the artery that supplies the head with oxygen, without the proper equipment or skills, it's a matter of minutes before you bleed out to death. You can cut it with anything from kunai to chakra senbon to a regular kitchen knife. The ending scenario is the same— blood will pour out and there will be lots. __Always __keep your carotid concealed, especially when you're on a mission, Sakura...—''_

She doesn't know how long she's been lying on her back, sinking into the soft matress of her bed, with the gentle thumping of pulse against her two fingers when a disturbing question came to her mind: _how deep do I need to cut ? _

Tsunade said every ninja knows those things, but it's not like the teachers at the Academy give you the exact dept requirement you need to meet if you want to slit someone's throat. Sakura guessed it's one of those things that come with experience.

A morbid picture of a smiling sensei explaining his prepubescent students the ways of cutting your enemie's throat appears before her eyes.

Suddenly, she becomes hyper aware of numerous kunai in the weapon pouch attached to her tigh. How easy would it be, she wonders, to just pull one out and slice it over the pulsing spot on her neck.

Would the pain knock her unconcious? Or would she bleed out right then and there? Would there be _really _that much blood? Would her mother scream or would she just faint if she saw her—?

Her hand drops from her neck. Has she gone completely_ mad_?

The next thing she knows, she's frantically messing around her weapon pouch, trying to get it off of her tigh and further away from her as possible. Her breathing is low but quickened, her fingers clumsy and shaking.

Once the pouch was unbuttoned, she throws it across the room and it hits the opposite wall with a thump.

She inhales sharply as a couple of shuriken fall out, a metal noise against the wooden floor.

As she pushes her bangs back with a shaky hand, she realizes she is covered in sweat. Her heart is violently thumping against her ribcage.

_What? _

She quickly gets herself under the covers, like a child scared of the monsters under the bed.

Only this time, the monsters are her own and she carries them wherever she goes. There is no hiding from herself.

She's still breathing heavily and her fingers are still shaky. _What had just happened? _

She just considered taking her own life. She didn't attempt it but the thought crossed her mind. She didn't attempt it, she would never—

_Would you, Sakura? Do you __really __enjoy the life you're living right now? Does ending what you're going through every day really seem so bad? _

She can see the night sky from the corner of her eye.  
The only sounds from the other side of her open window are the humming of the wind and the distant chatter of people from the farther parts of Konoha.  
The moonlight is so bright, if it weren't for the silver shine it casted one would mistake it for sunlight.

One moment, the Team 7 picture is illuminated. There they are, Sakura sees them.  
Kakashi-sensei's masked face that she just _knows _hides a smile underneath,at least on that picture.  
Naruto,glaring daggers at Sasuke.  
Sasuke-kun, looking irritated as always.  
Herself, smiling.

It hurts to remember how happy she was that day. She was always happy whenever Sasuke-kun was around but that day, she managed to find something good in everything,even Naruto, who was still an annoyance to her at the time. She remembers she felt...whole,that day.  
She wasn't just a regular civillian girl with a crazy ambition to become a ninja, she was the disciple of Hatake Kakashi, and a teammate of the prodigy Uchiha Sasuke and the number one knuckleheaded ninja Uzumaki Naruto.

She was Haruno Sakura and that day, on that picture, she was sure that was where she wanted to be. With those people.

A sob escapes her lips and she realizes she's been crying all along. Her eyes burn and her pillow is damp. She has to bite her knuckle to silence the upcoming cry.

She misses Naruto and Sasuke; _God,_does she miss them both. But for a moment, she wishes Sasuke-kun was there, with her. It's strange, because it's not like Sasuke would hug her or do anything that remotely involved physical contact. She was always the one to initiate it between the two of them. So she wonders how can she miss something she never had. How can she miss Sasuke if he was never hers in the first place?

It's 3:04 AM and Haruno Sakura has never felt lonelier in her life.

The despair that night ran bone deep.

* * *

The next morning, Sakura can barely conceal her shaky hands under Tsunade's scrutinizing gaze. Her palms are placed above a lab rat with a cut in it's leg, glowing green with healing chakra.

Under normal circumstances, Tsunade would reprimand Sakura for taking so long to heal a simple cut, when she's successfully healed unconcious and sick animals multiple times before. But today, even though Sakura's chakra control is oddly off, her hands are unsteady and trembling and she takes such a long time to finish this task, Tsunade says nothing. She's just standing next to her and observing her work, strangely silent and calm.

It takes the usually alert Sakura long to realize Tsunade's not looking at the rat, but at her.  
The lack of focus cuts the chakra off and Sakura clumsily forms a seal in order to restore it, but her master is still glaring at her. Sakura warily locks eyes with Tsunade, but her teacher's gaze is not angry or judging, but more wondering,observing, like she's trying to figure her out.

''Did...Did I do something wrong,shishou?'', she asks carefully.

Tsunade raises an elegant eyebrows and remarks. ''Your chakra control is off today.''

_When is it not?_ Sakura rubs her temple and shakes her head.'' I'm sorry,I...I can't seem to concentrate today. I'll sort it out in a second.'', she mutters quickly before closing her eyes, her hands tightening in the seal she formed, trying to summon more chakra.

_stop looking at me stop looking at me stop looking at me _

''Sakura,'' the Hokage cuts her off,''what's wrong?''

She keeps her eyes closed, _pleading _the chakra to come out. She doesn't want to answer this question now or ever. But the silence that falls between them and the persisten way the fierce woman is looking at her tells Sakura that there's no way of dodging the question.

''I'm fine,shishou, just a little tired. Went to bed late last night.'' That's not a lie.

_If I stabilize my chakra control, she'll stop questioning me. If I continue working, she'll drop it._

''You know,'' Tsunade begins, leaning on the pillar next to the table Sakura was working on ''one of the guards told me he saw you coming to the hospital last night, around 3 AM.''

Sakura's hands loosen. Her eyes open slowly to look at her shishou.

Tsunade gives her a meaningful look before continuing.''He says you told him that you were droping off some medical books, but he found it strange that you were there so late at night. Or early in the morning.''

If she could, Sakura would flee from the window that exact moment. She doesn't want to stay and listen to this, because she knows she can't deny a word of what Tsunade's saying. Everything is true.

''He didn't want to follow you around the building, so he tracked your chakra signature instead. At first, he thought you were really going to my office to drop off the books, but he was surprised to find that you were headed to the hospital roof.''

Sakura bites her lip and looks away. Ashamed.

Tsunade continues.''He says you were there for quite some time, Sakura.'' she paused,''On the _edge.''_

She remembers it vividly. The harsh wind blowing through her hair, freezing cold on her tear stained cheeks, the way she held onto the railing with the strenght she never thought she was capable of summoning in her one hand, looking down and thinking of how long the fall is and how much it would hurt. She was standing on the edge, shaking and afraid— of the fall, of the pain, of loneliness, of what the future holds, she _doesnt know_! All she could think of was that she _couldn't _keep doing this and that it's much better to end up a bloody stain in a dark alley than coping with the pain she'd been living with up until that moment.  
All it took was a jump or a slip or a misplaced foot.

She closed her eyes.

And she couldn't do it.  
She doesn't remember what stopped her, but she couldn't do it. Maybe it was the thought of her parents, of Ino, of Naruto, of _Sasuke_, of the beautiful life she once had. Whatever it was, it stopped her.  
She quickly got off the edge, almost tripping on her own feet to get out of there. She payed no mind to the guard who was trying to talk to her in front of the hospital, all she needed was to sleep and forget about everything.

And now it came back to punch her in the face.

She's aware that Tsunade's staring at her. Maybe disapprovingly, maybe worriedly. She can't tell, because she can't bring herself to look at her.

''Sakura, do you really think I haven't noticed _anything_? That I've never seen such behaviour in any of my patients or in myself, for that matter?''

Sakura doesn't say anything to this. She's too busy trying not to burst into tears.

Tsunade clicks her tongue and approaches her student.''I know you've been going through a lot, but are you seriously going to tell me that you've been having _those _kinds of thoughts running through your head and haven't told anyone? Not your parents,your sensei or _me_? I should put a stop to your training with me at once! ''

The threatening tone in her voice frightens the devastated Sakura because she knows Tsunade isn't above cancelling her apprenticeship. If there is one thing she can't lose right now, it's her training with the Hokage. ''No,no, shishou, please don't! I-I'm sorry I haven't told you, but _please _don't stop training me! I c-can't lose this, p-please! I'll do anything! ''

A sigh escapes Tsunade's crimson lips and she places her hands on Sakura's shoulders to steady her. ''First—calm down, Sakura. Second, I want you to take a break and go for a walk around the hospital park; the training is over for now. Once you're calm, then we'll talk. ''

''No,shishou,I'm good,I'm fine, I just need a moment and I'll be alright. Please, let's continue—''

Tsunade shakes her head slowly and her voice is firm.''Sakura, that's an order. Go calm yourself and come back when you're in a state where you're able to talk.'' She cocks her head in the direction of the door.

Acknowledging that she's been defeated, an ashamed Sakura walks out of Tsunade's library, a hazel gaze worriedly following her out.

She heads towards the park, walking slowly through the long hallway, because she knows she'll need a lot of time to sort herself out.

She's ashamed; ashamed because she attempted to do such a thing, ashamed that she failed, ashamed that she didn't trust Tsunade enough to tell her about her pain and ashamed that she found out about it in the end.

She should of went through with it, she thinks, because the pain doesn't feel any better. It's still there, in it's rightfully earned spot in her chest, right beside other hurtful emotions she's feeling right now, poking at her heart and reminding her that in exactly three years, Sasuke's body will be claimed by Orochimaru and she won't be able to do anything to stop it. The only one who has the chance is Naruto and she doesn't even know where he is or what he's doing. Not only is she suffering because of Sasuke, but she's also worried sick about Naruto. The reckless boy always got himself into trouble, his personality and pride always pushed him into most dangerous situations and a lot of times, the reason he managed to get out of them was his teamwork with Sasuke, with their weird, intense but a strong, brotherly bond.

She thinks of how stronger they got because of each other. It wasn't something to pass time during the boring missions; they were constantly competing and their rivalry was always evident. It didn't matter if they were plucking weed in some old lady's backyard or if they were fighting an S-ranked killer— all it took was Sasuke effortlessly hitting the target with his fuma shuriken or Naruto pulling a surprisingly impressive move out of his sleave and it was on for them.  
They were driving each other to get stronger and to improve, they were an inspiration to one another, even if they wouldn't admit it.  
And it wasn't all rivalry for them. Sakura knows that behind Sasuke's detached attitude and Naruto's constant annoyance with him, was _love. _They fought,hurt and bled for each other. They risked their lives to save the other. They were best friends and _brothers_ and Sakura feels like an idiot for only getting it now.

She's suddenly aware of how selfish she's been, thinking only of her own pain, not sparing a thought for Naruto, who must be hurting just as much as she is, if not more. She has her other friends and family, but for Naruto, who has so little but deserves so much, the golden boy with the biggest heart she's ever seen—the loss of his first friend probably hurts more than any punch he's ever received.

Tears begin to fall without warning and Sakura's glad no one's there to see her. She's been weak her whole life and it seems that no matter how hard she tries to change, the pathetic crybaby Sakura is here to stay. What Ino told her during that Chunnin exam was a lie; she never bloomed.

But if there's one thing Sakura hates about herself even more than being weak, it's showing that nasty trait of hers. So Sakura wipes the tears harshly off her face and continues walking.

She walks out on the long porch leading to the hospital park. It's warm and sunny outside, so Sakura guesses a lot of patients are making good use of the weather, taking a walk or something.  
Sakura lacks the enthusiasm to stand there and admire the vibrant green of the garden so she continues walking, when she hears a familliar wheezing sound she hears during all of her sparring lessons with Tsunade. The sound of fists cutting through the air.  
Because she hasn't become wholy apathetic, Sakura gives into her interest and looks around for the source of the noise.

She doesn't have to look for long because how could you miss a completely a completely _bandaged _boy, his face completely bruised an swollen, throwing punches and kicks through the air.

Sakura stares at him. His technique is excellent, even with the bandages and a crutch restricting his movements and the fierce look of determination in his eyes is enough for Sakura to recognize him instantly.

_Rock Lee._

''235, 236, 237,...'' she hears him counting down the punches, noticing the way his chest heaves rapidly with heavy panting.

She knows her medic insticts should have already kicked in by now to stop him from hurting or exhausting himself, but she finds herself somewhat mesmerized by the sight.

His match against Gaara was one of the most magnificent and horrifying things she's ever seen in her life. She remembers how shocked and impressed she was when Lee started throwing punches at Gaara, who seemed untouchable for the first half of the battle. She also remembers the way Lee screamed out in pain when the sand wrapped around his leg and arm, crushing them with a sickening crack that she remembers so vividly.

Why was he out here, instead of being in his hospital bed recovering?

She feels a hand on her shoulder.  
''They've been trying to keep him inside of his room ever since we finished with the surgery. He's impossible to stop from going out here.'' Tsunade's voice tells her.

Sakura keeps her eyes on Lee, on his movements and the way he flinches when the pain gets too sharp, but keeps on repeating the same movement until he gets it right.

''His chances of him surviving the surgery were fifty-fifty at best. A high chance that he would stay disabled. Him continuing his life as a ninja was out of question, then. I was sure of it. ''

''And what about now?'' The rose haired girl asks softly.

''Now,'' Tsunade starts, her voice somewhat distant, her eyes fixed on Lee,''Now I'm not so sure. He's got an incredible resolution that I've only ever seen once before, in Naruto. His personality and strength of mind play a part in it too but... there's something else there.''

Sakura raises her head to look at her master.

''He doesn't want his life to be defined by his misfortunes.''

Tsunade is eyeing her knowingly. She isn't just telling her this for the sake of talking, Sakura knows.

''I've been in the same situation you are in now, you know,'' the blonde haired woman continues,''when Orochimaru departed. True, the two of us never shared a bond that you and Sasuke do, but I was still shaken. Not to mention that I just recently lost my little brother back then. The fact that Jiraya disappeared too didn't help.''

Sakura is speechless. She knows her master is strong, stronger than most people, but to think that the two of them are similar in the way that she would never guess... If Tsunade turned out this strong after all the hardships she's been through in her life, does that mean there's hope for Sakura too?

''My point is,Sakura, I know what you're going through. I know that it's tough. We've all at least once thought that it would be the best to end it all. That is the life of a shinobi. But what I want you to know is that giving up is never the right answer.''

Sakura turns to look back at Lee, her eyes dampening again.

''Naruto is going through the same thing you're going through right now, but he's using the pain as his driving force. And Sasuke... I know you think that he doesn't care, although I think that leaving you two was the hardest thing he's ever done in his life. But I can bet my right hand that he doesn't just sit around and despair. They're _both _going on and getting stronger and why should you be any different? Sakura look at me.''

And Sakura obeys, even though her eyes are glassy and shiny because of the tears threatening to spill. Tsunade strokes her cheek softly, with an almost maternal affection. ''If there is one thing I want you to learn from me, is that women are truly the strong ones. And so are you, Sakura, you're truly the strong one.''

The grip Sakura has on the wooden railing tightens and she turns back to look at Lee one more time.

She sees raw determination in every one of his punches, a sense of purpouse in every of his kicks and a wish to live on in both of his eyes.

No self-pity. No sorrow. No regret.

Just a powerful soul not succumbing to it's misfortunes.

And it has her asking herself; why isn't she doing the same?

''Don't you give up, Sakura. Not ever.''

The strong wood cracks beneath her iron grip.

''No,shishou,I won't give up.''

* * *

Acceptance.

Ino is surprised (and _so _happy) at how much Sakura's appetite has grown these past few months. She went from scowling even at her favorite food to gratefuly wolfing down whatever's given to her, even spicy dishes. It's like there had been some sort of a plug in her throat only allowing her to eat humbly and with big time gaps between the meals.  
Ino is glad that Sakura spat the metaphorical plug out.

They were seated at Ichiraku's, Team 10 and Sakura, eating miso soup with roasted pork (Naruto's favorite,but no one aside Sakura knows this) and making small talk.  
Ino notices that there is color in Sakura's face again, in her cheeks, in her eyes, in her smile, in the way she hungrily slurps the noodles after discussing the Chunnin exams with Shikamaru.  
There is color even in her voice, in her genuine interest in the conversation she was having, in her laugh. Ino likes the color of Sakura's laugh the most. She hasn't heard it in so long.

For Sakura, ramen is no longer just a tasteless bowl of memories. She can feel each flavour and texture individually and she wonders if ramen always tasted this good.  
Maybe it's the warm sunrays against her back, maybe it's the pleasant chatter of Team 10 besides her, maybe it's the euphoria because of the upcoming Chunnin exams she applied for, but Sakura feels like nothing can ruin her mood. She hasn't felt that way in a long time and the feeling is a mixture of surprise and relief.  
She looks at the members of Team 10— Ino pulling Chouji's ear because he ate all of her roasted pork, with Shikamaru sighing and rubbing his temples. She has to smile; in a strange way, they complete each other perfectly.

A month ago, Sakura would be envious. A month ago, seeing them have the things she lost would make her sick in her stomach.

But Sakura doesn't dwelve on unimportant things from the past anymore. The present is what matters and right now, Sakura is enjoying Team 10's company.

''So, since you'll be the proctor for the first exam, Shikamaru'' Sakura asks the lazy ninja,''Do you know what type of a test it's going to be? A written exam, like last year?''

Shikamaru takes a bite of narutomaki.''Can't really tell you much, it's confidential, but yeah, it'll be a written exam. Pretty diferent from the one last year,though.''

Sakura thinks how _no _exam could possibly be similar to the one she took last year. Everything about that exam was extraordinary, none will be able to match it in that aspect, at least in the near future.

Shikamaru glances at her.''You applied yet?''

Sakura nods her head and smiles, digging into her noodles.'' Yeah, I have. Tsunade thinks I'm ready, so I'm pretty excited.''

''But, Sakura, how are you going to participate? You'll need a team of three to apply.'' Chouji asks worriedly and Sakura notices the way Ino and Shikamaru are glaring daggers at him. Everyone that has been close to her this past year has learned that her team or rather _the lack of it_ is a taboo subject. No one brings it up, in fear of upsetting Sakura and triggering the fragile emotions she has bottled up. She's well aware that they're treating her like a porcelain doll, carefully handling her and watching every thing they say in fear of breaking her. Sakura is sick and tired of people walking on their tiptoes around her as if she's still the same fragile little girl she used to be.

So she puts on her prettiest smile and responds with a shrug of her shoulders.''Yeah, I know, Chouji. I'm still figuring that part out.''

If they're surprised by her unexpected tolerance towards the touchy subject, they do not show it, but the atmospher visibly lightens after it.'' Hey, why don't you join us! Shikamaru's already been promoted to Chunnin, so Team 10's missing a member!'' Chouji suggests excitedly.

''Hey, that's actually a good idea!'' Ino buts in ''What do you think about it, Shikamaru? Will they allow Sakura to join us?''

''Hn. Handling all the papers will be troublesome, but I see no reason why she shouldn't.''

''Alright! Will you do it, Sakura ? _Please _say yes, please!''

Ino's puppy dog eyes are usually impossible to resist, but Sakura starts thinking.  
Is this the right thing to do? Ino-Shika-Chou is a trio, they have a combo attack, they've been put together _because _of the teamwork that's been going on for generations between their clans. With Sakura, she's sure she'll slow them down. She doesn't have a powerful clan technique and in an exam where fatallities are common, this is a dangerous game to play.  
Her mind switches back to Naruto and Sasuke. Team 7 functioned because Naruto and Sasuke were a fearsome duo to cross and with their powers, even Sakura with her civillian clan and simple techniques wasn't that much of a burden (_just keep telling that to yourself,sakura_).  
Sakura may be useless, but she's not selfish and as much as she wants to participate in the Chunnin exam with someone she cares about, she doesn't want to put them at a disadvantage.

She's just about to decline when a series thought crosses her mind. _Why are you doing this to yourself, Sakura? Have you not been training tirelessly for the past year? Hasn't Tsunade praised you and told you how much you've improved? Why are you underestimating yourself again? You're no longer the burden, Sakura. You're a battle capable ninja, so why are you holding yourself back? _

Sakura inhales. No going back anymore.

''I'll do it.''

* * *

She has to leave Ichiraku early because Tsunade told her to be at the training grounds at three o'clock. Her stomach is so full that she can barely walk and she curses herself for eating more than she can handle. She walks slow, in hopes of burning down some of the food she's consumed.

She's happy like she hasn't been in a long time. Lately, she's been doing good for herself. She managed to get her sleeping schedule in check, so she usually gets enough sleep at night. She no longer refuses food on impulse because she thinks she'll throw up; Tsunade helped her with forming a nutrition table and gave her the list of proteins and vitamins she needs to consume daily in order to stay healthy. She reduced stress, she even gets to take a bubble bath every once in a while.  
With her body and health finally under control, other benefits came in. She now focuses more easily on her tasks, her memory improved greatly and the best part is— her perfect chakra control was finally back.

From time to time, Sakura lets herself just cry it out. When she just misses them too much to bear she listens to Tsunade's advice and cries it out. The crying usually comes in long waves and Sakura is often exhausted after it.  
During a particularly dark period, Sakura resorted to cutting. She knew what she was getting into and she made sure to do it safely, to cut just deep enough to hurt,for tiny drops of blood to flow out and to mix with the pain and tears but never to end her life. Never. Sakura made a promise and she was not going to break it. She made sure to heal the scars right after and to bandage them properly. She isn't proud of those times, but she accepts that those scars and those mistakes are a part of her that she will grow and learn from. Besides, she doesn't remember the last time she cut herself. The scars on her arm are almost invisible.

She's been hanging with Kakashi a lot, lately.  
He apologized a thousand times to Sakura, even cried during some of them, and during those moments of weakness, Sakura hypocritically told him it wasn't his fault, although she has blamed _both o_f them for Sasuke's departure, at one point.  
She tries to make the best of the time she has with him, because he's constantly occupied with missions Tsunade gives him. He's sorry that he can't train her and be _a proper sensei_, as he put it, but Sakura forgives him for that too. Tsunade has plenty of training in store for her, anyways. She just wishes she could spend more time with the only remaining member of her team.

Tsunade is waiting for her in the training grounds, arms crossed, a smirk on her face.

She is expecting and Sakura knows exactly what. She's been practicing and training hard for this moment and she will not _blow_ it.

Sakura inhales. She's nervous and she hopes that it doesn't show, because she's sure her master's perceptive eye can catch even the slightest trace of insecurity that she's been working so hard to get rid of.

Her heart is beating frantically. _Come on, Sakura, show her what you're made of. Show her that all this time and energy she put into you was worth it. Don't disappoint her._

She was scared that she will be too nervous to pull it off, but once she felt the reassuring feeling of chakra flowing into her fists, all the tension was gone. She is ready. She's been preparing for this and she's not going to fail. She's not the insecure, useless little girl she once was. She's a _shinobi _and she will get this done. She will make this count.

She stepped forward.

_If I look back, I'm lost._

So Sakura clenches her gloved fists. Summons as much chakra as she can. Starts running towards Tsunade for momentum. _No turning back now. _

For a moment, she saw the backs of her teammates, one orange, the other blue, dashing in front of her like so many times before. She sped up and the next moment, she was running alongside them, as an equal, like she always wanted.

_It's your turn to watch my back _is the last thing that goes through Sakura's mind before she violently _slams _her chakra coated fist into the ground. She can't help but smirk when she hears a satisfying _crack_ and the next thing she knows, the ground is shaking and opening, dust and debris everywhere. A deafening thunder of earth cracking open and spreading towards Tsunade filled Sakura's ears. She had to steady herself so she wouldn't fall from her crouched position on the ground during this small earthquake.  
She couldn't see or hear Tsunade, all she could feel was the absolute exhaustion from the punch that completely _drained _the chakra from her body. This was the first time she did anything like that and she doesn't feel her fist.

Falling on her side is the first thing Sakura does when the earthquake stops. Her chest is heaving and she's panting heavily and she's just _so exhausted _but she can't, for the life of her, take that smile off her face.  
_I did it_.  
Her body is sore everywhere and she's pretty sure her fist is bleeding inside of her glove but she _did it_.

She wonders if Tsunade thinks she's dumb when she comes over to her lying form and sees her sprawled in the dust, grinning like an idiot.

It was one punch. But she made it matter, she made it count. It isn't something she's imagining or overblowing, like she used to do with her shinobi skills, back in the days of Team 7. This is not like the time Sakura was tellingherself that she was a ninja although she couldn't even hold a kunai properly, this is Sakura feeling with every fibre of her being that she had just punched a fucking _crater_ into the ground.

And it feels good.

It feels even better when Tsunade crouches down next to her to heal her fist but is pleasently surprised when she finds that Sakura's green chakra is already coating her fist, healing it automatically. It feels so good when Tsunade tells her that she did good, that she'll be damned if Sakura doesn't _kill it_ in the Chunnin exams. It feels like heaven when she praises her with ''That's my student.''

But it feels the best when she says ''Naruto and Sasuke better step their game up.''

* * *

For a good portion of her life, Sakura had been carefully observing her own reflection in the mirror, hunting for a hair strand to smooth down or a lip gloss to apply. She had been enjoying the way she looked in pretty dresses, with her long hair blow dryed and conditioned, her nails painted in sea foam color. Even her forehead looked pretty when she wanted it to be, arranging her hair to compliment it and accentuate her better features. Most of the time, Sakura had been satisfied with the reflection she saw in the mirror.

But she _never _liked what she'd seen in that mirror more than what she sees now.  
Her short pink hair, unruly and tangled, with some small pieces of debris still stuck in it.  
Her face dusty and dirty, her cheeks flushed red, sweat dripping down her forehead.  
Her bright green eyes determined, satisfied and glowing with _pride_.

She can't take her eyes off the rose haired girl looking back at her from other side of the mirror, because she's sure that _this _is what it looks like. An accomplished girl. A strong person. A _shinobi_.

The sight is marvelous and Sakura can't get enough of it. But it is _her_. It is the same girl who brushed her hair in secret while the rest of her team was setting up the camp, the same girl whose eyes would water at the slightest trace of danger, the same _child _who couldn't be strong when it mattered the most.

Yes, she had been a child. But children grow and children learn and Sakura absolutely loves the result of her growth.

A year ago, she didn't want to live anymore. Naruto was gone, Sasuke was with Orochimaru and the Sakura of the past couldn't even land a single hit on Tsunade.

Today, Sakura punched a crater into the ground. Today, Sakura received her first letter from Naruto.

She's moving forward. Baby steps, but steps nonetheless.

Sakura sits down at her desk to reread the letter, to make sure it's real and not just her hallucinating things she'd like to be true.

Naruto tells her about his training, about how strong he got and how he can't wait to see her and show her what cool new techniques he developed. He tells her about how much he misses her and the village, about how much he wants to beat Sasuke up and hug him at the same time.  
She smiles, because they both have that last feeling in common.

She pulls out a paper, intent on writing him a reply. She places the tip of her pen on the white surface and starts writing.

She tells him of her depression, of the thoughts she's been having, of how she missed both him and Sasuke to the point of insanity. She tells him how she used to cry herself to sleep every night and how she tried to take her own life because of the pain she's been feeling. Her hand shakes but she continues writing until she reaches the end of the paper.

She puts her pen down and stares at her letter. Dark thoughts on white paper. The testimony of Haruno Sakura's pain. Of the hardest part of her life so far. The depression of the rose haired kunoichi and a maiden in distress who tried to take her life because she missed her teammates.

She takes the letter. Then she rips it in halves. And quarters. Then eights.

She continues ripping the letter until it's just a mess of jumbled little pieces of black letters.  
Sakura promptly dumps them into trash, along with any last dark thought she has in her brain.

Then she takes another paper and starts writing another letter. She tells Naruto about her training with Tsunade, of how scary she can be when woken up in the morning, of how much sake she drinks and how much Sakura owes the fierce woman. She tells him of how she managed to cause an earthquake with just one punch and explains every part of it in detail. She tells him about Chunnin exams, about how she trained really hard and how excited she is that she'll finally get the chance to become a chunnin. She tells him about how nice the weather in Konoha is lately and purposely tells him that she ate Ichiraku ramen this afternoon, knowing that he'll long to get back as soon as possible.  
She tells him about how much he misses both him and Sasuke and how the next time they meat, she's sure the two of them will manage to get him back. Because the new improved Sakura is strong and independent. The new Sakura is brave and takes risks and doesn't hold back anymore.  
The new Sakura never gives up and she's sure Naruto will love her.

She puts the paper in a letter envelope and seals it shut.

She stares at the blank white of the envelope and wonders whether she can start over, as a blank page of a book, waiting to be filled with the best story of all times.

_Tabula rasa. _

But no matter how much she tries to become a blank piece of paper, Sakura knows that the first few pages of her book are already filled with some unchangeable things.

Team 7 is her family.

She loves Uchiha Sasuke.

She owes everything to Tsunade.

She is a full-fledged kunoichi of Konohagakure, shaped and polished by her own efforts, scars, bruises and hardships.

She is Haruno Sakura and for the first time in her life, that name makes her proud.

_It's your turn to watch my back._

* * *

_**A/N: **_

_holy shit i really hope you liked that. i've been procrastinating, but i figured it's better to procrastinate with this oneshot than with school. (i gotta get my shit together lol). _

_okay so, this has been hard for me to write, both emotionally and physically. on the physical part, i've never written a oneshot this long(this is longer than the three chapter fic i posted here once upon a time, but we dont talk about that). _

_on the emotional side, i've written about all of the emotions i experienced at some points of my life, even the self harm part comes from personal experience with it, but i've never been quite literally through the five stages of loss and grief(at least i think i haven't) so i really hope it came out decent._

_of course, leave your comments and critiques, every objective and constructive criticism is welcome and all that shyte. point out grammar mistakes and i'd just really appreciate your overall opinion. _

_xoxo_


End file.
